D: “Hello, this is IT, have you tried turning it off and on again?”

S: “Well, that’s the problem, I can’t really… find it. It’s Ticket ID 13185.”

D: “Ooo…kay, let’s see…”

…

D: “/giggle”

D: “I’ll come out for an on-site. Please wait.”

End call

TICKET ID 13185 SUBJECT: CANNOT FIND MY LAPTOP !!!!! DESCRIPTION:

HELP I CANNOT FIND MY MACBOOK ON MY DESK.

ALSO IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE CHANGED MY DESK WHEN I WAS AWAY!

PLZ HALP.

CANNOT WORK. REPLY:

Hi Sandra, I feel it is my responsibility to inform you how this possibly could have happened so that it may be avoided in the future.

I believe that your room has been raided by the silver elves of Antioch, who’s sole purpose in life is to attempt to clean messes, and abominations of technical hardware (such as Macs). They entered your room and flew about in a rage throwing up on your mac in their rage, after drying, it solidified into one pieces, covering the mac and alleviating their rage. Conscious of the need to try remain anonymous, they then attempted to arrange your desk around it while keeping your filthy machine hidden from sight.

I advise (in the event that getting rid of the Mac is not an option) in procuring a nerf gun of some description for self defense and to keep the Elves back in a time of invasion. It is the only way to humanely deal with them.

As a distraction, you could also keep various posters of nice scenery and toys between your desk and the doorway, this will distract them for enough time for you to either mount a defense, or to beat a hasty retreat.

Have a nice day and good luck with the Elves!

(I hear stumpy is a particularly nasty one, you might need a water gun filled with a sticky substance, like cordial to keep him at bay)

​Regards,

David Stoner Help Desk

A new low for Mr Stoner’s jokes. He says that is always aims to ‘push the bar’.

D: “Okay Sandra, just going to take some time off in loo.”

S confused: “You mean in lieu?”

D: “Nope, in loo.”